Ode to the lawn mower

I don't like lawnmowers. I never have.
They are loud and seem to make everyone in my family miserable with red eyes and runny noses.
I am the only one who has escaped this fate and so I have limited excuses not to do it.
My question is, whatever happened to the good ol' push lawn mowers. Not the riding lawn mowers, but the push ones? You get a workout and you have better control.
I hate the riding lawn mower. I had to mow the lawn when I was younger and you know what happened, I couldn't reach. That's right. I was that small, period.
Here's what happens when you are too small: First, you have to figure out how to start the thing, leaning forward to the ignition while still keeping enough weight on the seat so that the bloody machine doesn't shut off (a handy safety feature for those who are not small). For me, this means I have to stretch my leg way out to reach the peddle, sitting as far back as possible, while reaching all the way forward to the keys with my arm. The reach is just far enough that IT SUCKS. Suddenly, I do want to be like Mike.
Once I finally get the thing going, it turns out that reaching the pedals again is practically impossible. Which means I'm going at one speed. END OF STORY. The gas and the brakes are useless.
So, when this happens and I am rolling down a hill straight for the giant trampoline, in this giant thing that turns like a moose, I panic. I can't reach the peddle, I can't get it to turn. Bailing out didn't even come into my mind until I'd already made contact. That's right. On a riding lawn mower I ran into our trampoline. You would think it not possible, but I did it. Not only did I hit it, but I still couldn't stop it so I kept pushing it...Finally it came to a stop when I was so stressed I started bouncing on the seat looking around for some solution. THANK YOU SAFETY FEATURE.
I immediately got off and went and told my dad I was done. I haven't mowed a lawn since.
And that's why I love the riding lawn mower.

"You're confused? So am I, honey. I'm really mixed"
-line from the Professional Returner ala acting 181